What’s something you used to believe as a kid that seems ridiculous now?
I used to believe that if I just tried hard enough, I could fix anything and everything. If I talked loud enough at the broken thing, showed someone’s pondering bad choice the better choice, lead by example, thought hard enough at it–that I could make it (whatever that day’s “it” was) better.
I not only thought I could, but that I should–that it was my responsibility. My duty was to be fixing (or trying to fix) everything and if bad things were happening in the world, it’s because I wasn’t trying hard enough; I wasn’t channeling adequate amounts of goodness. The light I tried to radiate fell short.
I used to imagine (and if I’m being honest, sometimes believed) that I had magical telepathic powers à la Jean Grey or Professor X from the X-Men and that, for example, if I could get in the heads of world leaders, I could bring about fairness and peace. I’d watch the news on the floor in my living room and concentrate on the eyes of powerful people. I’d scream “peace” and “kindness” or “stop!” in my mind and imagined them hearing it and that would be enough to tip the scales of this world in favor of good.
This was all really taking shape during events such as the Columbine shooting, the OJ Simpson Trial, the death of Princess Diana, and when the Clinton-Lewenski scandal dominated the news. Why couldn’t I stop a shooter? Or vicious paparazzi? Why couldn’t I change the minds of the public to not covet celebrity drama so much, thus dampening the flame of the paparazzi’s existence at all?
It seemed ridiculous before I started typing this prompt response on my phone’s WordPress App and now that I’ve gone back and read my words to edit, they feel more sad than ridiculous. Sad that a little girl carried the burden of the whole world on her shoulders and beat herself up when she wasn’t making a difference.
Sad that the little people in this world often seem to care so much when the big ones often care only about themselves and the depths of their pockets and power. Sad that to this day, I still carry the responsibility of everyone’s bad choices because the obligation to fix everything runs very, very deep. It’s a central thread to who I am as a person and it seems no amount of letting go actually sets free the burden of responsibility. It chimes on in my bones, “You can fix this. You can fix this. Try harder. Just try harder. You can fix this.”
Ridiculous? Yeah. But I still hold out hope.
This speaks to me!!! I’ve been told I’m by several family members that I’m nothing if not persistent! If it’s broken, I won’t stop until it’s fixed. Maybe not always a good thing…
It’s like being a people pleaser. It’s good and noble until it’s not, you know?
Oh, good grief! You’ve written the very words I spoke out loud just this morning and why I’m such a mess,thinking everything is up to me to fix, and it sounds ridiculous, but there it is. I’m not the only sad fixer in the world. And sadder yet, the only one who cares is me.
I hate that you burden yourself with the same weight but I’m also glad that I’m not the only one. I think there’s a lot more of us fixers out there than we know but we carry it alone so much. I see you, and you are wonderful ❤️
Beautifully stated.
At 66 just got it in my bones that if I am doing my level best, that has to be his enough.
And if someone or something doesn’t respond as hoped, that’s on them 100%. And that has to be OK with me, as hard as that is to accept. That is their trip, not mine.
“We’re all just walking each other home,” was one of Ram Dass’ core teachings. Helps me to let go.
No matter how hard we try or how deeply we love or how great our support systems are, all of them will inevitably fail and leave us asking the big, hard question of what is this all for?
“Our heart is restless until it rests in You” …from Saint Augustine’s Confessions is a theological viewpoint I find more a reality each passing day. My friend, have you answered the big hard question? What have you cast your anchor on to keep you from floating off when storms come? A great, scary, awesome, HARD question worth figuring out.
Every bit of all my love
Megan